WEEK FOUR: How the mighty have fallen

Historically, it can be said that absolute power corrupts absolutely. I think it was Michael Straham who coined that term, and we can all understand first-hand from the events of the past week how tenuous any position of power can be. There are things happening outside of fantasy football, but for all intents and purposes we shouldn't worry, because how you do in fantasy is actually directly correlated to how you do in life, oh, it's true. If you were a big winner this week, everything will go your way. Happiness will follow you through the halls of your workplace, through the tunnels during your commute, in your dream at night. Look down, you'll probably find some money, congratulations, you really did it, and you deserve all the happiness in the world. For those of us that couldn't make the cut, we don't have it that bad . . . .



Now, on to the weekly Recaps!!!!!!!!!!!

In first place . . . .
The Gold Team!!!!!!

With age wizened players such as Clinton Portis, Donovan McNabb, Jamal Lewis, Tony Gonzales and Terrel Owens, it is true what they say "with age comes wisdom". Knocking our last weeks champion from first and taking his position at the top, Gold handily defeated the ahh team (note the small amount of "h's" and the lack of exclamation points) having superb play from each of his players. Some might say that this is the most balanced team in our league (some may not). Getting amazing production from Santana Moss (nice trade Dan) these past two weeks, the sky is the limit for our first place manager.

In second place, and the highest scoring game of the week . . . .

Seeds and Earth!
Proving it is easy being green (cotchery had an amazing week), he has carefully sown and taken care of his players, and now a forest is growing on this teams roster. Going from mediocre to one of the most fertile teams, S and E beat the piss (pun intended) out of Frienemy II. What a frustrating scene it must have been for Frienemy, when Monday night in the 3rd quarter she was still ahead, and Rothlisberger finally threw his touchdown and it was all over (believe me, I know how this feels), sorry Frienemy, hopefully this week it shall be different, here is something to cheer you up, and put you in a giving mood . . . .



And in third place . . . .
BringDaPain!!!
B.D.P. really brought it this time (not really) in what was our lowest scoring game of the week, winning with a total of 74 points! (why could I not have played either of you). DaMeatgrinders was thoroughly tenderized, getting an embarrassing 67 points. Who couldn't have beaten the meat this week I ask, no one! Everyone could beat the meat! Here's a classic for you . . .


Moving all the way up to fourth place . . . .
Facemelter!! (I actually could have used Munch for your image as well)
Dan actually told me last week, and I quote, loosely, "in two weeks I will be in first place, and I hate everyone in this league. My favorite food is broccolli with Cheese wiz, and I wake up in the morning confused". Why did Facemelter open up to me? Because the universe was speaking though him, and nothing but truth was coming out in a rare and very touching moment between the two of us. With each week Facemelter is getting better, he won a hard fought match over Tearsof Joy, getting a superb performance from LaDanian "I ain't lame" Tomlinson. Turf toe? I think not. Here's another song . . . .


And last but not least . . .
By-Tor and the Sno-Dogz beat out the amazing Skulking Demonics!!!! And he did this without even putting in a kicker! I was wiped by the surprising play of Derrick Mason. "Derrick who" you ask? I don't know, all I know is that son of a bitch got 137 receiving yards from a rookie quarterback!!! Joe "flacid penis" Flacoe stood strong and made a fantasy star out of Derrick "I ran free" Mason. Theres another guy on this team called Adrian Peterson who did pretty good too.

What will happen next week? Will By-Tor remain in last place? Will Facemelter get into first? Will DaMeatgrinders ever win again? What will happen to the Gold Team? TearsofJoy? Seeds and Earth? or for that matter, Frienemy II? and BringDaPain? or Ahhhhh!!!!, or me, Skulking Demonics? We won't know until Sunday, possibly Monday. But one thing is for sure, I am looking forward to it. Here is a song to lift your spirits after a long recap, and to rejuvenate your soul . . . .

amendment to...

Masonic Mysteries of Success

click the picture for hi-rez. it's more effective that way.

...

I'm ready

this is your Peyton Manning.

keep talking shit demonics...

your all show like this dude.

Week Three: Come and Get It!!!

It's 10pm on a Tuesday, do you know where your fantasy season is going to? As I prepared dinner for myself for the first time in about three months, second time in six, I went about it very methodically. First, I peeled and cut the garlic. Second, I peeled and cut the red onions, threw them on a medium heat skillet with a liberal amount of extra virgin olive oil, cut some fresh rosemary, and some hot peppers (with seeds removed of course) and added them to the pan. While this was moving I put some water in a small skillet for the hot sausage. Then I boiled some water with liberal amounts of oil and salt, trying to get the timing just right. I could go on forever describing this preparation of a meal, but I think I'll spare you all, I was illustrating a point. The step by step, methodical nature of crafting a meal is the same way in which a successful fantasy football coach builds his team. Did you add the right amount of stud running back? Did you add a pinch of upside, but unproven rookie? Did you stir in the correct amount of stable wide receiver and reliable quarterback? Some of us have, and some of us haven't. It is actually like the difference of getting McDonald's, or having a burger from Peter Luger's (sorry for the meat analogy, meat). Some teams have aged like a fine Kobe steak, others have spoiled like rotten ham. Here's a little video to model yourself after in the upcoming weeks.



Now . . . ON TO THE RECAPS!!!!

And in First Place . . . .

AHHHHHHH!!!!! still holds the top spot in the league, recieving his first defeat of the year at the hands of BringDaPain. B.D.P. was keeping it real with a solid game from Marshawn "the brawn" Lynch, Joseph "look at my thighs" Addai (who oddly enough is only 5-10 and weighs 200 pounds. It makes me think I might be able to play football someday, maybe as a walk on), and even with a big zero from Patrick "I'm just playin' " Crayton, he brought painful feelings of self doubt to our league leader, who looks to greener pastures and maybe a win next week.

The Most Points Scored in a Game:

Goes to Facemelter!! This team went from zero to hero in week three, finally living up to all the expectations and bringing himself from going 0-3 (oh, I pity the teams that are 0-3). The ridiculous scoring of Ronnie Brown on his bench didn't stop the melter from applying the heat to his life partner, Frienemy II (we know who is doing the dishes this week in that household). 22 points from Frank "The Bore" Gore couldn't stop the domination of Brandon "baby T.O." Marshall (nice trade Dan) and LaDanian "not lazy" Tomlinson from getting it done. What does the future hold for Facemelter? With the likes of Ronnie "downtown" Brown, LaDanian "fabian" Tomlinson, and Brandon "I'm gonna score again, yeah" Marshall, can Facemelter be stopped? Are wet wipes the best invention in the world? Only time will tell.

Controversy of the week:

In "the battle of the blog", I, Skulking Demonics, put the Mediocre Club to shame, as they finally lived up to their name, taking there first loss at the hands of a champion. Michael "the burner" Turner, and Matt "that's my forte" Forte put the finishing touches on the Mediocre Club, Le'Ron "Shirley" McClain couldn't stop the hurt from being placed. Westbrook got hurt (thanks to a handy little curse I devised) and the game went downhill from there (thank you voodoo.) Here's a little song for ya . . . .


The Lowest scoring, saddest game of the week . . .

This one is hard to write about, two teams who couldn't get above 81 points, it is very disheartening. The Gold team (who has fallen far) eked out a victory over By-Tor and Snow Dogz (who recently apologized for being absent, we forgive you). The Gold Team had very average play from all his stars, Terrel Owens did not perform too well, and either did "fast" Willie Parker, but you got enough play to beat an opponent who scored a lowly 59.7 points!!!! By-Tor takes the prize for the lowest score ever attained in our league yet!! Congratulations!!! But don't worry, if David Blaine can re-animate a fly, you still have hope.



And Last, but not at all Least . . .

We have two 1-2 teams, tearsofjoy and Da Meatgrinders, who started out strong in the year, but have since lost, lost, lost. Tearsofjoy had a miracle week from a back that some gave up on a long time ago, Larry "Howard" Johnson. Who knew he still had it in him, on a team like Kansas City, where the quarterback changes every week, and their lines are like swiss cheese, Larry pulled it out, the biggest scorer on the team. Poor Meatgrinders, poor, poor Meat, who recently put Randy Moss (the biggest bust of the draft, besides my Brady of course) on the block, a cry for help, a move of desperation, will anyone bite on that line, or is Randy Moss done? Never again to be picked up and used in fantasy. Meaty hopes not, hey, maybe I'll trade with you for Marques Colston? Oh, I forgot, I dropped him a long time ago. Here is a little video . . . .

oh, what a night.

Things are really heating up in this league; will AHHHHHHH!!!!! remain undefeated? Will Facemelter mop up the floor with Frienemy 11? Can the Mediocre team bridge the huge deficit they find themselves in and beat me? Can By-Tor and the . . get more than 60 points next week? Will DaMeatgrinders come back and strip the fat from their team?

We will know the answers to some tonight!!! Stay tuned for the weekly recap coming soon to a blog near you . . . . .

how bout this?

ever heard of "turf toe?"

First of all, I would like to apologize if it seemed I was congratulating Dan for his amazing trade. I was just saying that he traded a rookie running back with no history in the NFL, who is sharing carries with a starter, for an amazing number one wide receiver with the nickname "baby T.O."

A common misconception among people who have been playing fantasy for years (sorry, Brian) is that running backs are more important than wide receivers, especially when it comes to draft time (Anqaun Boldin, Calvin Johnson this week, anyone?). Football has been changing in the last couple of years, with teams mostly going for a running back by committee, which actually reduces the fantasy value of each individual back, and not the age old standard of having one stud back (as the season goes on I think time will bear this out).

Last year the top 10 fantasy scorers in order for the season were (excluding quarterbacks):
1. Ladanian Tomlinson (RB) - 307
2. Randy Moss (WR) - 287
3. Brian Westbrook (RB) - 280
4. Joseph Addai (RB) - 235
5. Adrian Peterson (RB) - 232
6. Terrell Owens (WR) - 226
7. Clinton Portis (RB) - 225
8. Braylon Edwards (WR) - 220
9. Jamal Lewis (RB) - 217
10. Reggie Wayne (WR) - 205

As seen here by this list there are four out of the top 10 that are WR's, their fantasy totals increasing each year. With running backs getting beat up, and stud running backs under-performing (Ladainian, Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson), it makes more sense to load up on a consistent, stud WR, because as Forrest Gump used to say "you never know what your gonna get".

Jonathan Stewart got his fantasy points in two games, where as Brandon Marshall acquired all those lovely digits in one single game. Who made the better trade? I leave that to the future, all I know is that right now in the NFL, the running back position is unpredictable (ie. Michael Turner with that monster game in week one, and nothing in week two).

I still say, "Facemelter, that was a great trade!"

I love you forever.

Fantasy Football Theory

Dan, apologies in advance for this post.

Jesse, it's time to learn something about fantasy football, in season 3.

Wide Receivers are always part of a corps, meaning they will always be sharing touches with 2-3 other WRs AT ALL TIMES.

RBs are only occasionally part of a committee, meaning that they will at most be splitting carries with 1-2 other backs, in the case that their team does run a "RB-by_committee" system. As for how well RBs by committee work, just ask the Denver Broncos (the answer is "not good").

I know you thought you were making some kind of shrewd play by making the rosters WR heavy, and then loading up on WRs. All you did was create a wildly inconsistent team for yourself.

Fantasy Points in 2008:
Jonathan "Daily Show" Stewart - 25.00
Brandon Marshall - 22.60

Mediocre Club - 2-0
Facemelter - 0-2
(again, sorry Dan)

Stop congratulating Dan on what a great trade he made.

Deep and Wide

Facemelter has already made two very interesting trades this year. His first, giving up untested Jonathan Stewart for the stud Brandon Marshall (kudos). Who is made all the more sexy by having the ultimate quarterback throwing to him each and every week (Jay "torpedo arm" Cutler), which now gives him tremendous depth at Wide Receiver. The Mediocre club now has both Running backs on Carolina. Who do you start? Both? That might haunt you for a long while yet, I'm glad I am not in that position.
And the trade that just went through today with Gold Team could be very good for both teams. Trading Phillips Rivers for Santana Moss. Did Dan sell high on Moss to gain a quarterback to fill in for the struggling Anderson (who better step it up real soon since Braylon Edwards is rotting on my roster), or is Santana the next Randy? Who knows? The Gold Team did get a decent wide receiver, a starter. If you will go back to the draft, Gold over drafted quarterbacks, which seems to be his strategy every year. I originally scoffed, but now I say very nice. All i do know is that Facemelter seems to be making a lot of interesting moves, I thought I should draw this to everyone's attention. . . .

WEEK TWO: The Making of a Star

As life moves on and we get older, we realize who we are, some people may change and some may stay the same. Boys into men, men into women, and women into men, or girls into women. The point is we end up somewhere different, and so is the case with fantasy football. Was week one a fluke? Did many teams stay undefeated? The answer is no, there are only three atop the heap this week. Frienemy the sequel, who stays strong, Mediocre Club, who stays with this name for the time being, and in first place . . . AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!, who is surprising everyone with his uncanny ability to win, win, win. So put your palms to your cheeks and scream out because here we go with the GAME RECAPS!!!!!


The Biggest Deficit:
We are going to start this week with the game in which an individual got creamed by the most points. This weeks biggest loser goes to . . . Tearsofjoy, who got beat by more than 19 points. Frienemy came from behind on Monday night with the beast, Marion Barber scoring like a madman again. He is only second in the league to Brian Westbrook and should continue to dominate, he might be the best first rounder taken, he is pretty scary. Who was not a beast this week, was poor Larry Johnson, if he were on any other offense things would be different. It might be time to cut him loose.

AND THE CLOSEST MATCH . . . . . A hard fought battle between two previously undefeated teams, Westbrook wowed, scoring a wopping 28 points. The combo of McNabb and Owens couldn't bring the Gold Team a win over the Mediocre Club, who is proving to be anything but. Yet it was close, very close, very very close. Those games are what makes fantasy football exciting.

And The Most Points in the League this week . . . .
Goes to me!! Skulking Demonics in a very convincing win over the underperforming Facemelter. With Tom Brady down, and projected to be the highest scoring quarterback, who do I start? None other than Jay Cutler, drafted as a bye-week replacement, Cutler is now the highest scoring player in the league, and with amazing tools at his disposal, he cannot be stopped. With Ladanian Tomlinson hurt, and Ryan Grant underperforming, things are looking bleak for Facemelter, his fantasy hopes in a pool at his feet.



Game #4: "The Rookies"
It was a hard fought match between two bright, up-and-coming fantasy coaching starts. AHHHHHH!!! took DaMeatgrinders to the house with a surprising showing from Chris Chambers, and consistent play from all his other roster. Meaty's hopes were dashed when Randy Moss couldn't catch a cold, and Drew Brees threw brick after brick. But after making some pretty decent waiver picks, don't count the Meat out, its getting colder outside, and the Meat will keep for a while yet. Here's a little tidbit continuing on our theme . . . .



Last but not at All Least:
By-Tor and the snow dogs gets beaten in heart and mind by BringinDaPain. By-Tor let the week pass him by and included a player on his team who was inactive and could garner no points. BringDaPain, brought the quarterback, starting and winning with Aaron Rodgers and his beautiful Tight end(thanks to Jay Cutler, a god), Tonny Scheffler. By-Tor, If only we could turn back time, things might be a little different . .


The Game to Watch Next Week:
In a game as important as leaving the toilet seat down, Facemelter is going up against Frienemy II, his loving wife. Frienemy II trying to stay undefeated, and Facemelter trying to salvage his hopes at making the playoffs, who will win? Whatever happens, it will only act to strengthen the newlyweds relationship. Good Luck to all!! I leave you with this . . . .

another wardrobe malfunction

so, chris cooley's blog is getting him into trouble... it turns out he posted a little more than his tight end quiz on his blog yesterday...

ew! i like the shark much better.

Adult Diaper

Hottie of The Week

With Tom Brady sidelined for the season, a new stud has emerged on my depth chart. Look at those droopy eyes and the nonchalance of that stance. Jay is proudly wearing an EA T-shirt, which just tells me he is thinking football all the time, on and off the field.

Is he going to date a supermodel? Only time will tell.

Is he going to get me a ton of points? You bet he is.

heard this one?

Back to football related posts...

This is a t-shirt you could buy. Dan, maybe you could purchase this for Jaime.

http://www.believemerch.com/product/bernard-pollard-fan-club-red-tee

More intimate details . . .

Week One: fantasies dashed, fantasies realized

We have come to the end of an exciting and joyous first week. And as I sit here watching a Billy Joel concert from the 70's on TV, reminiscing, I can't help but being reminded of one of my favorite songs of all time, "Only the Good Die Young"

And so it goes with Tom Brady, the star of my fantasy team, going down "young" in the season, and contributing to my painful loss to Frienemy II. Maybe now he can settle down, and give Giselle the baby she has been wanting for a while now. The score was close, but with an amazing clutch performance from both her running backs, she pulled through, and defeated me, she is starting the season with a beautiful win. Enough of my woes, here we go with the recap!!

AND IN FIRST PLACE, The Gold Team!!

The game, which could be considered the biggest upset of the week, had The Gold team handily defeating Facemelter. Facemelter was a lock, having three league votes against zero for the underrated Gold Team, yet the gold pulled it out somehow. Donovan Mcnabb is starting the year as his amazing self, that is until he breaks his ear or face or something and is out for the year. Chicago's "D" was looking pretty tight, they might be back to their old self, and if Willie Parker can continue his domination, you are in for a big year. To celebrate, please take a gander at this video . . . .



THE WORST LOSS:
This was a week where two fantasy football rookies beat the shit out of their opponents. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! totally destroyed tearsofjoy, who might be better suited to the name tearsofsadness. Every single player on their team under-performed, totaling up to a whopping 61 points. Whereas Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! did pretty amazing, coming in second in the league, relying on Kim Kardasian's boyfriend, Reggie Bush, a gentleman and mensch, he might be attaining fantasy levels that people originally expected from him coming into the league. Marty, here you go . . . . .



Our next newfound fantasy football master comes in the form of a Meatgrinder. In his first game ever, DaMeatgrinders (who also won our first ever fantasy poll) relied on consistent play from his roster, not having a sick game from anyone, but playing consistent and even. Who knew luck played such a big role in fantasy football? Here's a hug from me to you. . .


The Last Game I have to write About:
Sharing brought the pain, and beat his opponent, utilizing the sexy and stable skills of Brian Westbrook. BringDaPain had the gaul to start Marc Bulger and paid the price dearly, at least New England's defense scored some points for you.

Now is the time to drop all players from New England, search deep among the waiver wires for the next big blow-up, and pray (god knows it didn't work for me in week one). I leave you with this. . . .

very sad and erotic dancing

it's official. out for the season. what a terrible way to start the season (especially for jesse). glad i didn't make that trade.

who is going to take over? there are reports that chris simms is practicing with the pats, but didn't he suck a few years ago?



and here is season ender, bernard pollard erotically dancing for what it's worth...

shopping for a come from behind win...

Best eBay listing ever?

Cat Power's trailer at the NFL kickoff thing...

Lord in Heaven

Dear Lord,

I have been a good person, not too generous with myself, but not too bad either, I try. I am writing to ask you a very important personal favor, can you please spare Tom Brady from injury woes this season? I might have been rash in my fantasy football draft and I picked him in the first round, even though it was rumored that his foot wasn't in perfect health. Now reality is setting in, and he might be in worse shape than I thought! Please, please help Thomas through this very rough time, and allow him the strength to play football this, and every week hereafter.

you are in my black, hollow heart,
skulking demonics

Fight songs for your listening pleasure

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???

Meaty's Hot Meat Sandwich Of The Day

I know this is an obvious choice, but I am saddened by the news that Tom Brady may not play and thought he might appreciate some encouragement while on the bench. I sure hope he get's better. I'm just kidding.

you ain't no goddamn Doug Flutaaaaay

Gets good around :55. LOOK AT THE GODDAMN GAME TAPE!!!

I'm posting. You happy now Jesse?

Tracey Morgan

Hottie of the week

There is just something about Michael Turner that keeps me from looking away. He is our first "Hottie of the week", and it is no wonder.

Just stare deep into his eyes. . . . yes, stare deep, look at that. Its nice, isn't it?

Chump Change

I love the idea that we are playing for bragging rights, but how about making it a little more interesting?

I propose we all throw in 20 duckets, either by cash handed to me (don't worry, I wont spend it), or by check (a little silly, but for those out of town)

The winner will get 150 bones, and second place shall take in a sweet 50!

What do you guys think?

Election almost over!!!!

Seems there is only one more day to get your vote in for the best draft. Right now Meaty is in the lead with 5 votes!!! (all posted by himself) But no matter, voting is what counts, yeah?